the fuck is he on about now?

End of Life and the desire to create

I'm not sure if when i die, i want anyone to remember me. I do, obviously, in a way. But i don't. I can't describe it, but i want the whole world to hear the shit i gotta say and i want them to care about what makes me me. but at the same time i wouldn't mind if no one cared at all.
I want to make something that makes people want to get up in the morning, and keep making more subversions of that thing to make people have something to look forward to once they're up. And then i want to do that for the rest of my life on this earth. I don't exactly believe in an afterlife, that's why i feel so pressured to make a fucking name for myself in this world, and a damn good name at that, so i don't just disappear and become another 'someone' under 6 feet of dirt. as far as making a mark on this world and how i'd do that, i feel most connected to music. I feel most connected to animation. Like, every day almost i'm listening to something. every other day, a song feels like it's actively changing my life and my way of thinking. every day im fantasizing about some sort of intricate animation i know i could never make without 20+ years of extremely hard work and grueling practice. And i just can't stop thinking about those things... like, it's actually muscle memory now. Always imaginary-animating, always listening to SOME format of music. Downloading music, sitting for hours renaming mp3s and stripping and adding metadata like a crazy person WHILE listening to music. ;-;

It's crazy dude.. I dunno what i'll be when i grow up, (if not a no-name in a ditch lmao) but i really, REALLY hope i get to be a mangaka or animator or bassist/keyboardist/songwriter or SOMETHING.
if it's music, I don't care if i'm not some center-stager or something, just as long as i get to be there. I could only do covers, i could just be an amatuer band's shitty background vocals or someone's bassist who's off-key with really slow fingers, or that one kid someone brought along because they needed an extra instrument last minute.
I don't really care, i was never one for fame anyway, not that much. I'm just sick of consuming.. i want to CREATE bruh